another deep breath.

You know how sometimes everything is ok, and then you hear something or get some news and all of a sudden you feel as if you were in an elevator and someone jerked the cable? I’m having one of those moments.

There’s really no excuse for it. When I became a student I knew things would be financially precarious. The project I work for just got some news about the most recent grant we applied for. We got funding, but at a greatly reduced rate. They suggest a summer “salary” for me--that would be JuneJulyAugusthalfofSeptember -- that about matches my monthly expenses. I’m trying not to panic. After all, it is a good thing to get funded at all, and it’s not like there are no coffee shops in my neighborhood; worst comes to worst, I’ll dredge up the 15-year old experience making mochas and plead. There’s no reason to panic, yet. Things will work out.

I guess what’s getting to me is that lack of financial security brings up so many issues for me. It reminds me in a gut-wrenching way that I am the only thing between me and poverty. It’s just me--no husband, no generous boyfriend, no rich aunt or uncle. It’s true that I have relatives who have helped me a great deal in crises and I’m very grateful for their assistance. But they can’t support me continually and I pray I never have to ask it of them. Ever since I started working at 15 I’ve been terrified of ending up a bag lady. One of those women with a shopping cart who has no home, no heat, just the sidewalks and the trash she picks up. Or, maybe worse, one of the invisible elderly we pack away into terrible “homes” that smell of urine and tinned green beans. I’m more than a decade older than other people in my program, and I feel so out of step. What I want to be doing right now is creating a safe, domestic haven for a partner and children. Not happening. I thought by this time in my life I’d be thinking about college savings for my children, not me. It also reminds me what a gamble grad school is. I’m in a field where jobs are notoriously scarce. Of course I value intellectual endeavor. Of course I value scholarship, and academic freedom, and ok go ahead, accuse me of being an intellectual snob: I like being around smart people. But a sudden potential gap in the income spectrum makes me wonder: is it worth losing retirement funding for this? Is grad school reducing my statistically already negligible chances of finding a long-term partner? Is it worth having no savings, no financial cushion, and potentially no skills that are marketable in a non-academic world? I have to keep reminding myself that I can find a way to market myself; I’ve done it before, I did it right out of undergrad when I had significantly fewer skills than I have now. I’m going to do my best not to decline into an impoverished, lonely old age. But it is scary. And all of the uncertainty reminds me forcibly that I really don’t like where I am living. For what’s available, I have a good situation, I realize that; but I hate living in the city. And excuse me, a place with more than 19,000 people per square mile is a city, I don’t care what New Yorkers say. Yes, you read that right; my non-city city is the fifth densest populated in the US as of the last census. My mortgage is quite high. Sometimes I think about selling my condo, but the fact is that rents aren’t much cheaper, and I initially bought so that at least I’d be putting a pittance towards equity. Not to panic, but a close neighbor with a comparable place has had it on the market for a year now, and it hasn’t sold yet. Which doesn’t make me any more confident about being able to realize that equity should I need to.

So... a perfect time to go back to the Om sweater. It now looks like a sweater, no? I’m down to the body part. Now I’m just worried about running out of yarn. I’ve already used three skeins of 10. I’m trying to judge how far I can go... I think one skein might be enough for each sleeve. Which would leave me four for the rest of the body and one for a collar. That should be enough, but I think I’ll start on a sleeve next to see how far I get. I may have to alter the plans; I wanted a shawl collar. I could live with 3/4 sleeves, if it comes down to it. I could add bordering stripes of a different color if it turns out to be really scanty, but I hope I won’t have to.

I liked the sleeve increases and wanted to echo them in the side and underarm “seams”. To keep the stitch count even I have to border them with a pair of decreases. It’s simple, but harmonious. I like it; it keeps this sweater basic but still interesting enough to endure knitting.

And finally--thanks everyone for your kind comments on the doll couture. I’ll let her know :)

Comments

[Emily]

Not only are there coffee shops, but there are also yarn shops that are often looking for help.

Grad school can be challenging, but when it's over you'll probably be glad you did it. And just remember that when you leave the Boston area, you may be able to buy a house for the fraction of the price of your condo. A few years in Boston really does make the rest of the country seem incredibly inexpensive. And there's lots of reasons why people have trouble selling their homes. Some of them have to do with the actual home, some have more to do with the homeowner.

Keep on plugging away! The sweater looks great.

[diana]

Deep breath...everything will be okay. I know I sound like a polyanna-ish, but it will. Remember during these lean times that you are investing in yourself and it's okay for you to go into a bit of debt. That's what student loans are for. It is all worth it, I promise.

[June]

Seriously - student loans. I know you had them for undergrad and recently paid them off, but... At the same time, it will be a load off of your mind. Can you get a TA type of position?

[Amy]

I'm right there with you, sister! Eyes on the prize, the rest will work itself out (it has to!) In a similar position, I just started working in CRM - it's better money than most non-career jobs, and there are plenty of firms in your area.